Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters rated R

Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton star in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

There are three reasons I went to see Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

1) Jeremy Renner

2) Jeremy Renner

3) Exclusive IMAX poster. I’m a sucker for movie posters!

I really wanted to like Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.  Normally I never put any faith into movies that come out in January.  The studios release them during this month for a reason, but I let the trailer and the HOT Jeremy Renner cloud my judgment.  

You know the story. Poor Hansel and Gretel are left in the woods to fend for themselves when they stumble upon a house made of candy, what child could resist all that sugar?  Long story short, they slay the witch that tries to eat them.  Being orphaned, they become famous witch hunters traveling the land ridding it of witches that practice black magic and try to eat children.   A little different take from the original Brothers Grimm story but there you have it.

I thought the premise had potential. I have no problem with making fairytales into action movies. I loved the new version of Snow White and the Huntsman.  The look and grimness of that world would have worked well with Hansel and Gretel.  The issue I have with movies like this is I want the writer and the director to commit to the story.  Just because it’s based on a Fairytale or say a video game, does not mean you have to put extra gags in there so the audience knows that you’re not taking the story too seriously and if they’re not taking it seriously neither should you, the audience.   The director never commits to telling Hansel and Gretel’s story.  By the time we know the real back story of Hansel and Gretel I didn’t care because I had gotten there 45 minutes prior to the big reveal.   I’m still not sure what the director was going for. Was it supposed to be a serious movie or a spoof of the story?  As I described the movie to a friend of mine, he said it sounded like the director was going for an Army of Darkness kind of movie but just never achieved his goal.

Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton and Famke Janssen do their best with what they were given to work with.  One thing the director did right throughout the movie was Hansel and Gretel look hot kicking the witch’s asses!  If for nothing else, the ladies will enjoy a scene or two with a shirtless Renner and the men get to see Arterton in skin tight leather pants.  Poor Famke Janssen, she is so beautiful and we only see her for a short time that way, she spends most of the movie as a hideous witch.

Whether intentional or not, the movie did make me laugh out loud a few times.   The opening shot of the town is of a man selling bottles of milk with hand-drawn pictures of the villages missing children on them, but the biggest laugh of all:  “Spoiler Alert” we find out that Hansel suffers from the sugar disease, aka Diabetes!! Apparently he ate too much of the witches candy when he was a youngster and now has to live out his days making sure he takes his medicine every few hours or he will die!  I can see it now, Hansel and Gretel 2: The search for the sugar cure!  The best line in the movie, hands down, was at the end when the story comes full circle and they find themselves back at the original candy-covered cottage.  Hansel stares at the house and turns to his companions and says “Whatever you do, don’t eat the candy!”  I laughed so hard! 

Don't worry Hansel, it's diet!

If all you’re looking for is some sweet eye candy, then you’ll eat this movie up.  Just do it in moderation as to avoid getting the sugar disease!  This movie is a rental at best.  

Split vote! 1 thumb up for eye candy, 1 thumb down for everything else.